I just saw cute joke #8432791 about how Alec Guinness lied to us about stormtroopers being able to shoot straight. This is up there with "parsecs are not a measure of speed" on the list of Star Wars fake plot holes. I'm here to set the record straight.

(You didn't know about that one? Well, fucker, let me help you: Han Solo was deliberately bullshitting an inbred, moisture-farming yokel and a senile old man, and apparently he got you, too!)

"Blast points"

A point is a little bit of geometric theory: a finite location in three dimensional space. It's also what your head comes to if you think a "blast point" is a place where a blaster bolt impacted an object's surface! This doesn't even require creative thinking, guys. Where would you put ordinary explosives to blow open an ordinary door?

BLAST POINTS. Jesus McChrist...


See those? They're linear shaped charges. Place them at appropriate blast points to demolish unwanted buildings and fuck me running why do I need to explain this?!

"Too accurate"

Let me ask you something. Do you know how a fucking gun works? Yes? LIAR. You probably think near misses land near some dipshit's legs. Well, no, jackass, they land in the hills behind the poor fucker, and we never get to see the fancy little puff of dirt they kick up. And another news flash for you: bullets do not normally kick up little puffs of dirt. Any other bubbles you need me to burst today?

All right, since I'm explaining how guns work, let's just point out this little factoid: unless there's a moron standing against the wall wearing an I'm With Her shirt, it's really fucking hard to tell what someone's aiming. Even when they tell you!


No, I mean it. Imagine this conversation:

"See that rock over there?"


In other words, unless you were there to see where every shot went and why, you have no idea how accurate the shooting was. And that's without even considering one final, BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS fact...


Let me paint a picture for you. It's my kitchen. There's a dead pumpkin on the floor, splattered to hell. Some old dude with a beard walks in with his new side piece, and he points at a wall filled with bullet holes.

"These blast points are too accurate for ragheads."

"Yeah?" says his new butt buddy. "You think he was aiming for the pantry?"

...Does any goddamn part of that make sense? The only thing you know about every single shot that hit the wall is that IT MISSED.

Please note I'm in no way commenting on Alec Guinness's sexuality. I have never cared enough about actors to know whether or not they are gay; I'm simply suggesting you'd have to be some kind of retarded fruitcake to make this kind of mistake. In case you haven't figured it out yet, the entire article here is intended to point out why Alec's Ben Kenobi did not make this mistake.

Look... If the camera had focused on the goddamn pumpkin or the jawas, we could safely conclude the "blast points" are, in fact, the holes where the victims are missing either A) all their pumpkin seeds, or B) their eyes, lungs, and genitals. But that's not what the camera does!

Instead, the camera clearly indicates that both Ben and Luke are looking at the vehicle itself, which has been assaulted and blasted open with explosives.

Do you get it now?!

He's saying sand people are too fucking stupid to use explosives correctly. To be perfectly frank, I think he's probably right. If we learned anything from Iraq and Afghanistan, it's that their idea of "quality" involves another word that starts with "q" and ends in "uantity."

Good night, ladies and gentlemen! You've been a beautiful crowd!

And for everyone who already knew this...

I hope you enjoyed a little roasting aimed at everyone who somehow still doesn't. :)